Maybe...

theres a lump in my throat too big to swallow,
theres only longing to fill this screaming hollow,
time locked all doors, threw away the keys,
left me looking on through the peep hole of memories,

amongst those riding the stars and those down-trodden,
twelve years and a boy who stands here forgotten,
dreams, disappointments,
screams and small accomplishments,
reduced to a file number, lost without trace,
stored away antics of someone who didnt know how to run a rat-race.
left no marks on the place, lost as is his name,
but they left scars on him,
and dont you know how much it hurts when theres no one around to blame?

maybe if i didnt have that much pride,
maybe if there was more self-confidence in my every stride,
then maybe the staff, the administration and my peers,
would feel my presence, know that i was there
maybe......

maybe if i hadnt taken everything so easy,
listened to my father,had worked harder and not been so lazy,
then maybe the staff, the administration and my peers,
would care, that i was no longer there.
maybe....

maybe if i stooped low,
just to see how far down i could go,
or if i had flapped all four and made noise,
made sure that they heard my voice,
then maybe the staff,administration and each peer,
could not ignore that i was no longer there.
maybe.....

maybe if they'd cared and paid attnention,
helped me realize my potential,
instead of digging a nice hole for me to lay my aspirartions to rest,
a boy so young should never be convinced he's not the best.
maybe....

so now do you see whats so hard to swallow?
a boy choking on his childhood,
refusing to let regret fill the hollow,
he cant keep up the fight, if only he could...

childhood dreams buried, in the ever-deep abyss
he can make sure time left doesn't end like this,
with a little luck, devotion, and hard work,
he'll wake up each day to paint over the hurt
until one day you will hear the corrdiors sing,
here was once the boy who learnt from his heart's longing

Song #8; Because i love you

turn the lights off, darkness envelopes me,
in the darkness, youre all i see.
i miss the sound of silence, the eerie
replaced by this unending bitter sweet symphony

the darkness, it no longer scares me,
because now i know this,
you're real and you exist,
and all it does is leave me empty

so i close my eyes, waiting to dream my empty dreams
i open my mouth, let out the silent screams.
when dreams become reality,reality becomes a dream,
and so, mairee jaan, i guess what i mean
is that my visions have become useless since im already living my dream

i look away, because i am weak,
too weak to let go off the present,
too weak to face the future now so bleak,
too weak to let go off this heaven-sent.
so i close my mouth, hold it tightly shut,
i try, i try hard, i try harder..but
my heart, its got a mouth of its own
and it wont shutup

pretended rules you lived by you say?
ive walked that path, come down the same way
i thought my mind would convict my heart of treason,
but even it admitted, things such as this dont happen without good reason

what i said to you, i said to you because i know i cant take it back, ever
but atleast youll be the first to hear those words to leave my lips, that holds true forever

time demands you to walk away, i demand you stay
circumstance, orders you to walk away,
i beg you to stay.
i want to draw closer,
with my every breath whisper,
dont forget me,
dont just let it be,
you know i love you,
all you have to do is let me.
all you have to do is let me.

so even in those empty skies,
let me tell you hope never dies.
and in the darkness, blinded i grope
grope in vain at thoughts so sweet,
wet eyes take away my sleep
but even if i dont have you now, i have hope,
i have hope.
i wish,
i wasnt so selfish,
but now i dont give a damn,
because circumstance has made me what i am

i wont give up,
if time isnt on my side, ill make it stop
and if thats what i have to do to get you,
ill try my best to sweep away circumstance too.

dont know if im right,
dont care if im wrong,
ill fight the fight,
a battle 88 nights long
to find countless days of happiness
a battle 88 days too many
and 88 million too less

i know your answer already,
but atleast when you look back one day,
you cant say had he,
had he fought i wont have faded away.
and maybe if hed persisted,
held my eyes with his and insisted,
i wont have walked away.

that you knew a fighter who wanted to be your lover,
who at the first sign of danger, didnt scramble for cover
brave but stupid, chose not to hide,
so atleast he could say his weakness wasnt the reason he was dead inside.

he very well may be fighting a lost cause,
but he will continue to fight,
fight for 88 days and 88 nights without pause.
in the depths of his heart,a future he'll try to churn
doesnt matter if he has to crash and burn,

and so,
i just want you to know,
im not letting you go
even if i have to lose it all,
i will stand up, stand up tall,
my heart it wont shut up,
its telling me even if i lose, atleast i didnt give up

dont know if im right,
dont care if im wrong,
ill fight the fight,
a battle 88 nights long
to find an eternity of happiness
a battle 88 days too many
and 88 million too less
for a happy ending for to the endless unrest
because i love you.

Song #10; Pot of gold

From the clouds in showers descend,
tears of the sun pouring down on me again,
in empty skies an ear who'll lend?
to one thrown off of a rainbow bend,
and it soothes the pain to pretend,
there ever was a pot of gold waiting for me at the end,
among such colors, lost in their blend,
when to foolish forgetfullness will wisdom tend?

you are my rainbow,
yuou are my empty sky,
you are my rainy day,
you are my sunshine

If someone were to come along
grant me my any wish,
tell me to think of all things and give him a list
there would only be one thing i'd think about,
'coz in my mind there never was any doubt
about

who is my rainbow,
who is my empty sky,
who is my rainy day,
who is my sunshine

who is my darkness,
who is my lonely night,
who my harness,
who my guiding light

fed me all the bent truths you had to feed,
had to save yourself so you made me bleed
and i've shed all the tears that i had to cry,
my friend, that is why
that is why,
this is goodbyee.

And when you're in need of loving eyes
or a sincere kiss
will you miss a brown-eyed boy
and his impatiently patient lips?

or

how you were his rainbow,
how you were his empty sky,
how you were his rainy day
how you his sunshine

how you his warmth,
how you his cold
how you everything inbetween
how, you, his pot of gold

goodbye
goodbye
goodbye
goodbye.

Idealism VS Realism

Invited to walk through the open door
a look devoid of mercy
or consideration
shards of dreams carpeted the floor
reality, arch-rival of idealism
no chance of a reconciliation

dreams broken, did not die
lingered instead in recurrent nightmares
nightmares that can not be driven away
no, not even by the tired light of day
and so whispers of realism had not lied
idealism, stripped bare
judged,stared
at from the corner of empty eyes

hope had never been so empty
nor time such a vivid blur
or hindsight so far away from being 20/20
never had the clock ticked slower

each second, future becomes present
in the same second
the present loses out to the past
the heart sinks lower from where it was buried first
each tick deeper down than it had been in the last

exhausted and with emptiness overwhelmed
never to be the same
idealism dragged into reality's realm
do the dead ever rise again?

-till the dead are made to rise again-

A soul graced by a glimpse of love

I believe,
my concept of love cannot be flawed,
and that an honest plea to Almighty God,
by a heart true
goes not unheard,
and so an answered prayer came to me in these very words
to help me explain to you....what a mind, on its own,
cannot concieve.

a heart deaf to reason,

leaves a mind impotent to decide

a body cannot be charged for treason,

for that which a soul , unified by love, cannot hide,

inner voices, silenced, cast aside,

humbly tuck away, a crumbling pride,

with resounding awakening of the infinite inside,

unhinged, surrendered, leaving me open wide.

a searching hand, ears listening for a heart,

feet tempted to give it a kick,

to give a waning beat a jump start,

because certain wounds you just cant lick

no deceptions, no tricks,

just an acquiscent, defeated logic,

defeated when posed with a question which could not be simpler,

yet a tied tongue struggles to find an answer

a heart dead before,would countless times over, again have died,

for the single memory that reminds an otherwise uncertain soul its still alive.

Is it tangible to you now? a feeling echoing in my soul, so grand.

limited is language, in describing a divine concept using a human construct

But, God be willing, it'll help your heart understand

Why , for love so pure, a million times over i'd self-destruct.

So mairee jaan, lend me your troubled soul,

in the darkness of the night , we'll go for a stroll.

take hold my patiently outstretched hand,

let go your logic and leave your heart unmanned.

All for one night till the night is gone, let me the one to show you how even the darkest of dusks

have their dawn.

Song #7; Fields of mold

A frustrated heart had heard mnay stories of the untold
of fields and valleys of gold
in which it'd never, ever grow old

A heavy heart of something that would make it light
and finally its prayers were answered one night

deeper down the hole,
realized body and soul
they saw the plot unfold

o' cruel one, what have you done?
o' cruel one, what have you done?

in your soft hands did you know you hold,
a heart that can't be bought with a love that can't be sold
for except with the look in your eyes
that blind it to all your beautiful lies

your warmth, its left me cold
your touch left a desert
your words have shattered all hope
left me in a palace of dirt

*four lines missing here----i lost 'em*

your warmth its left me cold
your touch left a desert
your words have shattered all hope
left me in a palace of dirt

a frustrated heart hears of many stories of the untold
of fields and valleys of gold in which it it'd never, ever grow old
a heavier heart of something that would make it light
bring a dawn to this endless night

Song #6; Sands of time

held your heart, couldnt read your mind,
rummaged through thoughts, found what i knew i'd find
i would do the only logical thing to do
leave you where i found you

instead i locked morality, left sanity behind
for a front row seat with you to watch the clocks unwind
for a while we'd lose ourselves
lose ourselves in the sands of time

still blissfully blind
dont open my eyes
tell me theres no finish line

tell me we're not pretending
tell me theres a happy ending
say, youll stay


memories of her laced in
sight, smell, touch, taste and
each second of when this life wasn't a waste then
i could hear you breathing when
so darling dont run away,stay
let the music we make, play

those dancing eyes and cherry cheeks
hold time still with every word she speaks
she breathes hope in this barren breast
she stems life in this God forsaken chest

*she doesnt know what shes doing*

an accident turned experiment
just a passing phase
my face, a bony waist's embrace

love gone to waste will stay with you in so many ways

for good or for bad,
whether it leaves you disappointed or glad
makes you happy, or makes you weep,
leaves you unchanged or takes away a few good nights sleep
gives you comfort, or makes you hurt
for better or for worse
either way i will be
right here in your memories
and so you will remember
those warm nights in december...

when for a while cupid smiled..
and when us weaklings
we borrowed his wings..

when together we watched the clocks unwind
our day in the sands of time

still blisfully blind

dont open my eyes

tell me there's no finish line

tell me we;re not pretending,

tell me there's a happy ending

say, you'll stay.

Song #5

The earth warned of things to come
to do all that could be done
and even though i braced in advance
when it hit, i stood no chance

tremors ripped through the core to bring down
skyscrapers of expectations we'd both crowned
deathly silence after a deafening sound
as fairy tales hit the ground

time tried to close the gaps
you can sew up the tears but you still see the cracks

left incapable of loving
devoid of lust
consciousness reduced to ashes and dust

left incapable of loving, devoid of emotion,
a drop of posion to contaminate the whole ocean
the glass which was half full,
the glass which was--
the glass which was half full now lies empty
and in the reflection lies a broken me.

Song #4: Somewhere along the way A.K.A the tim-mustafa song

Somewhere along the way, i lost you my friend
somewhere along the way, around the bend
somewhere along the way, i lost you my friend
i looked real hard though i never found you again

you were one who i was thinking of
one who taught me how to love
opened my eyes to a world i could not see
you tied me down though you promised you'd set me free

'coz somewhere along the way, i heard muffled cries for help
somewhere along the way, i lost myself
somewhere along the way, lost the will to stay afloat
slowly, day by day, i lost all hope

you were one who i was thinking of
one who taught me how to love
opened my eyes to a world i could not see
you tied me down though you promised you'd set me free

'coz somewhere along the way, i heard muffled cries for help
somewhere along the way, i lost myself
somewhere along the away, i lost the will to stay afloat
slowly, day by day, i lost all hope

somewhere along the way, i lost you my friend
i hope its not to late---its never to late--to make amends.

Song #3

My personal statement for my high school yearbook. Came to me when i was lying sleepless next to dada; one of my many sources of inspiration.



God, Allah, Bhagwan am i
the space between land and the sky
even Iblees is a part of me
i am the prophet, the prophecy

i am not heaven nor am i hell
i am that lively place where you lifeless dwell
limited yet infinite just like time
i am not yours nor am i mine

i am truth, i am fiction
i am hypocrisy,contradiction
the ultimate, the sublime that mountain which you could not climb

i am a prison, death the price for bail
my life maybe for rent, but my soul not for sale
i am the answer though born was i a question
i am the teacher, the student, but what is the lesson?

Song #2

-Written in Muree with a beautiful backdrop and a high school crush in mind-


Near heaven, up so high
savorin' each moment passing by
breathing a lifetime in a breath,
an eternity in a sigh
one wonders, if there could be
a heaven more heavenly than this
everything seems perfect
but something is amiss


The wind blows, gently
pressing down on thirsy lips
bringing from afar
a loved ones kiss
i wonder if there could be
a heaven more heavenly than this
everything seems perfect
but something is amiss

i close my eyes, i visualize
a voice inside cries
not so blissful a bliss
somethings amiss

a memory, i open my eyes
it is you i see
now jolted out of this comatose state
its you who's made this beauty impossible to appreciate
out of all the others, it is your name
God's simplest creation putting his rest to shame
its you that i'm thinking of
its you that i miss
and when you're not here
everythings amiss
and when you're not here
everythings amiss

Song #1

----In loving memory----

And when living life is too great an ask

When looking at yourself in the mirror is too great a task

of what use now, is your crown my love?

When there are no ups and only downs

watching, watching, watching yourself drown

going deeper, deeper now, deeper underground

strange people, even stranger town

you're lost all alone

yet you feel at home

and soon you realize

you were buried to be made alive

brought to life here in your grave

freed of a world to which we're all slaves

fly

fly

fly

fly for you are no longer bound

you were once lost

now rest found

found, found, found my love

found, found, found my love.

dedicated to Jahanara Ijaz

1988-2005

Borrowed Light

Most people, if not every individual, are lost in some respect; questioning, wondering, and wandering. I, with the Grace of Allah and the big heart of a doting father, have been priveliged enough to make a degree out of the voice that makes us all human; i am a philosophy major. I strive to be light-hearted so that i can drift with the gentle Breeze that is the Soul for a heart gone heavy suffers stagnation. This rigidity renders it deaf to the Whisperings of the Breeze and it but sinks under its own weight. One intune with the Melody riding the Breeze is he who has learnt how to fly without the gift of wings. And the serenity in this beautiful flight elevate the heart to the greatest heights, leaving this world behind into a realm which impatiently awaits its welcome. I do not claim to have visited these great heights nor do pretend to dwell in the heaven therein. However, i have, as i'm sure have countless others, had several incomplete take-offs. I carefully use the word incomplete for failure would not be an appropriate substitute. A heart has only truly ever failed when it no longer tries and a heart grows utterly cold only when it shuts its doors to the warmth of the Breeze which flows unencumbered still; like the land that by the earth's own rotation causes darkness to envelope it, depriving it of light and warmth which are the very ingredients required for life in it to flourish. And as the Sun retains its station and loses naught of its Glory, but it is only the earth that turns its back to the Light that suffers loss. Even in this darkness are there not stars as the most beautiful of guides for all except of whom refuse to look to the sky?